by Andrew Tink
How do we help parents talk to their kids about sex? When do we bring up the topic? How often should it be discussed? What is best practice in today’s world?
We wanted to know how other families are handling this topic and also what our teenagers experience has been. So, we conducted a research project to anonymously survey parents and teenagers in our church and get their feedback and perspective.
Below is a few of our conclusions based on the data we collected
(You can check out an illustrated summary of the survey here.)
To be fair, this survey is not what researchers would consider “legitimate” due to the limited number of results. We got responses from 19 parents and 8 students. Nevertheless, this data does help us come to the following 3 conclusions:
1. Kids feel like they are being bombarded with sex at a younger age than their parents know:
Kids want their parents to know how prevalent sex is in their world – so many conversations, every joke, social media, pop culture, etc. They are swimming in it, and it is happening at younger ages than parents want to realize. Between the ages of 9-13 our kids are in conversations about sex with their friends. Most of the teenagers surveyed were exposed to some form of pornography in middle school. The following is a direct quote that exemplifies the largest theme of what kids wish their parents understood: “It is so much more normalized than they would ever understand… we as teens can barely have a conversation where the topic of sex or sexuality isn’t brought up and we are so exposed to it in media, even more than they would ever know.”
2. Kids want to hear from their parents about sex sooner:
Most of the kids surveyed wished their parents would talk to them earlier and tell them more about sex. They are thankful and appreciative for what their parents did – they just wanted more and sooner. One teenager summed it up well, “I wish they had mentioned it before I had my perspective warped.”
3. Parents – take courage!
75% of kids said it was a positive experience when their parents talked to them about sex. Interestingly, parents felt more awkward than kids and parents rated their experience less favorably than kids when talking about sex. Several kids specifically mentioned that it was not awkward, they did not feel uncomfortable, and they were thankful to learn from their parents.
Even though parents don’t feel equipped or super confident to talk to their kids about sex, your kids are thankful for it and want more from you.
While kids feel like they are swimming in exposure to sex, they aren’t learning from their peers or media, and your child wants to learn about sex from you. They need you for answers and explanations. They may hear the joke or know the words to the song, but it doesn’t make sense. Exposure and learning are not the same thing. A majority of teenagers surveyed responded that they are learning about sex from their parents and if they have questions they ask their parents.
You don’t have to be perfect; you don’t even have to be good, but because they live in a hyper-sexualized culture they want your perspective and your voice in the conversation.
In conclusion, talking with your kids about sex is one of the most important conversations you get to have with your kids and you are the major influence in your children’s understanding of sex. There is no special formula, perfect resource, or single moment where you can check this off the to-do list. Our hope is that Cedar Heights Kids can provide you with additional resources and encouragement to start, continue, and sustain the conversation of sex with your kids. And our hope is that you will feel encouraged to lead this healthy conversation with your children and share the beautiful story of sex as a great gift from God.