Parenting in Community

Parenting in Community

by Dustin Ganfield

My wife Tanya and I have had the privilege of raising our family within the community of Cedar Heights Baptist Church. We’ve walked through many different seasons of parenting with good friends doing the same, all scratching our heads and hoping we’re not screwing everything up. We haven’t arrived. We’re still very much in the midst of parenting and encountering new decisions every day.

After almost 20 years of being parents in this church, we’ve gotten a first hand look at some of the potential traps parents can fall into – traps we’ve fallen into ourselves more than a few times. If nothing else, I hope this can help some other parents avoid some of the pain we’ve walked through over the years.

Lone Ranger
When things are going well (or appear to be going well) we’re fine with people taking notice. Whether that’s kids choosing to obey during church or memorizing verses in Awana or making their faith public through baptism. But when things aren’t going well (or appear that way) we’d prefer if no one saw. We hustle out the door and usher our kid, tantrum and all, into the privacy of our vehicle. And what happens at home, stays at home. 

We convince ourselves that no one else is failing as badly as we are and it would be humiliating to admit it to someone. So we isolate ourselves and attempt to figure it out on our own – a Lone Ranger family too afraid to ask for help. 

One work of God’s redemption in our story is that since both Tanya and I came from difficult family backgrounds without good role models, we entered parenting starkly aware of our inadequacy. We had no pretense about our qualifications as parents and so we asked for help often. And the advice we received from families at Cedar Heights as well as the camaraderie of other families going through the same stuff was instrumental to us. But then, after we saw some success, the same temptation to isolate came for us the next time things got difficult. 

Friends, we aren’t alone, no matter how much we try to convince ourselves we are. The struggles we face in our parenting are not unique to us and shouldn’t be hidden to try and save face. We aren’t Lone Ranger families, trying to disciple our kids on an island. We need each other. 

Ke-Mo Sah-Bee
One of the greatest helps to us was having friends in similar seasons of life and parenting who could walk with us as a comrade in the trenches. Raising our families together, spending significant time together, openly sharing our victories and failures in the home, and praying for each other and pointing one another to the Gospel. 

Fostering this level of openness with other parents has led to fruitful friendships with innumerable blessings. Building that trust often results in trusting other parents to speak truth to your own kids (which somehow is always received better than when you say the exact same thing…). Now that a couple of our kids are in their teens, we see them gravitating towards and learning from the same friends we shared life with when they were little. 

In addition to the encouraging and prayerful support of friends raising families together, it also creates an environment that allows for accountability. I’ve been called on the carpet by friends who’ve noticed areas of unhealth in my parenting. And I’ve spoken truth to friends about things I’ve seen. And rather than hurt our friendships, it’s only made them stronger, and we’re better parents and spouses because of it. 

Silver Bullets
If I asked 20 people for their favorite parenting resource, I’d probably get 22 different answers. It’s a blessing from God that in the time we live in, there are so many excellent resources available for parents. But it can also be overwhelming. In an attempt to find that silver bullet that will unlock the door to your perfect family, we run ourselves ragged and beat ourselves up with guilt. 

While I don’t want to discourage you from reading good books or listening to good podcasts – by all means, keep doing that – I want to propose another approach to learning and consuming resources that might be a bit more attainable. This is something Tanya and I have done and are grateful we did. It’s simply this: find someone in the church that you trust who has already walked through the season of life that you are currently walking through – and ask them what they did. 

Sometimes it’s as simple as that. Are there 100 other options? Yea! But this one worked for them and I respect them, so let’s just try that. 

The thing is, there are no silver bullets when it comes to parenting. You could search the world over and you won’t find one. Instead, surround your family with other families striving to point their kids to Jesus and set out on that mission together.